Wedding Venue

Weddings can now take place in a lot of weird and wonderful places. If the wedding is taking place in an unusual venue it is worth checking it out on the web to see if it throws up any interesting facts for your speech.

Have any famous people got married at the venue?

If it is a very old place like a castle has it got a ghost?

Does the venue have any history – If it’s quite old hotel you could claim that Dick Turpin once stayed there and he was so skint after paying his bill that he had to become a highwayman.  If the venue is old you could point out to the bride and groom how squeaky the floorboards might be, or you could say that the walls are so thick that they don’t need to be too worried about making a noise when they get back to the honeymoon suite later.

Is the reception being held at a different place to the wedding?

Did bride and groom look at other venues before choosing this one? The bride usually tends to care more about how the venue looks etc whilst the groom is really only concerned about what kind of beer they sell at the bar.

Why did this one stand out from the other venues?

What kind of food is being served?

Is it posh grub? Or is it meat and two veg but with posh names?

On the subject of the food you can joke about the fact that the bride and groom have not been involved in preparing the food if either of them has a reputation for being rubbish in the kitchen.

Who is paying for the wedding?

If it’s the brides father there may be scope for gentle digs about it costing an arm and a leg   i.e. The brides father is looking remarkably well considering he’s recent lost an arm and a leg, or the I hope the brides father enjoyed the meal because he will be having beans and toast for his dinner for the next two years whilst he pays off all his credit card bills..

Have some people travelled a long way to get to the wedding. It is always worth giving a shout out to people who have come a long way to attend. This allows you to have a bit of interaction with the audience and may even throw up some unexpected humour.  Scope for stereotype jokes i.e. ‘Have we got any Scousers in?’  If someone says ‘Yes.’ Quick comeback ‘It’s OK because we will be counting up all the cutlery at the end to make sure nothings been nicked. You could probably get away with similar gags about people from Scotland being tight. i.e. ‘Don’t worry there’s plenty of free booze you shouldn’t need to et a round in for a few hours yet.’

Equally were some people unable to attend

What did the Sat Nav say when you typed in the post-code for the venue?

i.e. ‘lock your doors and drive quickly,’ ‘turn around now’

Can you see the venue on Google earth?  Are there any interesting places near by hat could provide humour.

I believe the wedding reception cost a fortune, but recouped a lot of the money by taking  all of the empties back to the off license.

(Bride’s father) suggested hiring a second marquee but I said it two tents (tense).

I thought the (bride) father might turn up dressed as a pirate because the wedding must have cost him an arm and a leg.

The bride and groom were planning to hold the reception at a 5 star hotel until they discovered that it was only rated 5 Star because you could count that many stars through the hole in the roof.

(bride) wanted a fairy tale wedding well I suppose she almost got one because (groom) does look a bit like Shrek.

(groom) wanted a country and western style wedding but (bride) wasn’t impressed and said that it would quickly end in D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

(groom) was a bit nervous about getting married in a church because he reckons that the last time he was in a church the vicar tried to drown him. I was actually surprised he could remember as far back as his Christening.

 (bride) had been thinking of having a church wedding but when she rang up to speak to the vicar his wife answered and said he was in the church fiddling with his organ.

(groom) not really keen on all the wedding planning so he suggested getting married on a beach in a hot country. But when (bride) said what if there is a Tsunami the groom said she didn’t need to worry about that because Newcastle are at St.James on our wedding day.

A lot of people are choosing .to get married at football grounds these days, but when I suggested it to (groom) he said any talk of football on his wedding day would result in penalties.

Bride and groom considered getting married in a hot air balloon but all the companies that contacted kept inflating their prices.

The couple wanted a proper bell ringer at the church but when they asked the vicar how much it would cost to book Quasimodo he just took the hump.

The (groom) had wanted so fireworks at the reception well I certainly can’t promise him any in this speech.

There is a story that the hotel is haunted so (bride) don’t be surprised if you get the willies later.

I did hear a rumour that the hotel was haunted, when I got here today I definitely noticed a presence. – it was addressed to the bride and groom.

When I looked at an on-line reviews of the hotel I got the impression that the restaurant had got two Michelin Stars. Some one had written the food is s**t

 (groom) had suggested holding the reception at McDonalds, but when somebody told him that you are what you eat, he decided he didn’t want to be seen as fast and cheap and cheesy

After hearing a story on the news (groom) thought it would be a fun idea to get married in a branch of KFC. But he was worried that some of the older guests might not see the funny side especially if one of them kicked the bucket.

Bride and groom argued for ages over the venue for the reception, the bride wanted somewhere which was really romantic with nice views and fantastic food, the groom just wanted somewhere with cheap beer and (Sky Sports One on the TV).

The bride and groom visited lots of venues before choosing this one, they are not really fussy they just liked the idea of getting free coffee and biscuits at every venue they visited.

(groom) has got very close family links to the church, his granddad used to go there every week to try and steal the lead from the roof.

The groom wanted to hold the reception somewhere that reflected his personality, but unfortunately the only venues available were cool and sophisticated.

The groom wanted to hold the reception at Alton tours but the bride was worried that the event would be like a big roller-coaster.

(groom) said he liked the venue because it has great acoustics, well I think that’s what he said because I couldn’t hear him properly

If planning a wedding is really like organising a military operation, as best man it must fall to me to lob in a few hand grenade.

As you may have noticed the venue has some very historic features, some of the furniture goes back to Henry VIII most of my furniture goes back to Argos on the ninth.



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