Marriage quotes

It is truth a universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.  - Jane Austen

Damnit, it’s your duty to get married. You can’t be always living for pleasure.

-Oscar Wilde

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you are not allowed to see your friends anymore. - Jeremy Hardy

The brides attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words:

 Aisle. Alter. Hymn - Frank Muir

A loving wife is better than making 50 at cricket or even 99; beyond that I will not go.  

- Sir James Barrie.

Her essential value to her husband was that she laughed at his jokes - The Times.

I’ve been married to Florence for 80 years. The secret of a happy marriage is:

‘Yes, dear.’  Percy Arrowsmith.

The secret of marital happiness is simple: drink in different pubs to your other half.

- Jilly Cooper.

If it weren’t for marriage men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.

It’s no true that married men live longer than single men. It just appears longer.

If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.

Man is incomplete until he’s married. And then he’s finished.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

Why is marriage like a three ring circus? First there is the engagement ring, then there is the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

A woman said to her husband to be ‘When we are married I want to share all your troubles and worries, her husband to be said ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries and the woman replied ‘I know but we’re not married yet.

My wife is temperamental,  50% temper 50% mental.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

Behind every successful wife stands a surprised mother-in law. 

A husband expects his wife to be perfect and to understand why he’s not..

Don’t marry a person you know you can live with, marry someone you can’t live without.

(groom) married (bride) because he is a perfectionist, (bride) married (groom) because she is not.

Men should always have the last word in an argument. Those words should be yes dear.  


I was worried that (bride) couldn’t take a joke then I looked at who she was marrying.

A husband should never question his wife’s judgement. Look whom she married!

Never go to bed mad stay up and fight.

Marriage is bliss but so to is ignorance so (groom) must be extremely blissful.

Marriage means commitment and so does insanity.

Marriage is a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them.

Marriage in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech.

Marriage is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste.

Marriage is the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

An obedient wife rules her husband.

Always look at the mother before you marry the girl.

Every man at heart is a bachelor - Oscar Wilde.

There is a harlot in every woman - that is their attraction - Oscar Wilde.

We are blinded by love but our eyes are open by marriage.

You marry when you grow up - but how do you know when you’ve grown up.

Men makes houses, women make homes.

Women like silent men. They think they are listening.

Love is being able to squeeze your lover’s spots. - Zoe Ball

All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner. -Red Skelton

Anyone who thinks that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t understand women or fractions.

Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.  Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.  - Arnold Glasgow.

Since I got married I haven’t looked another woman. My wife put me off them.

My wife constantly complains that I don’t listen to her, or something like that.

Marriage is not a lottery - you get a chance in a lottery.

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